The Butterfly Circus

Marriage + Children

Marriage

Marriage is a constant work of progress, making your relationship with your spouse better. The goals and expectations you make within the first year of marriage will set the stage for the rest of your marriage. Establish traditions, eat meals at the table, and manage your time/schedule with your spouse. When you add children to the picture, you will already have these patterns down.

D&C 121:41-44

By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—no power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; that he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death.

Men and women have different ways of thinking, and when we get irritated with each other, we should contemplate these scriptures. What would happen if we only corrected our spouse when moved upon by the Spirit? Then our spouse would know that we were doing it out of love.

Adding children

When children are born, the family changes. Men start to feel unappreciated, because they don't get the same bonding that a mother and child give each other. People are 3 times more likely to get divorced after a miscarriage or a death of a child.

Women: You are married to your husband, not your children or your mother. Spend time with your spouse. Talk to him. If you have a problem, he is the person to call, not your mom. He takes priority over your children, too.

Men: Your wife loves you and wants you to be happy. You are not just the 'babysitter' but the father.

"Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children."

Love and live.

In the world, many people think that if they are in love, they should move in together to test the waters or just because it is convenient. But how do you know you are in love? Do you love your child, spouse, and friends all in the same way? It is so important for people to understand the four different types of love:

• Eros- romantic, sexual arousal
• Agape- "Christian" love, you don't know them but you love them
• Storge- Parent/child love
• Philia- friendship, brotherly love

It is so important that when you build the foundation for a relationship to build on all of the these types of love. Many people end relationships because the only have eros love.

When we are in love, shouldn't we move in together? There are four common reasons that people move in cohabit:

• Precursor to marriage- Testing the waters, will get married
• Co-residential daters- don’t like the single life, roommate
• Trial marriage- someday to get married, but to someone else
• Alternative to marriage- don’t want to be married

When people cohabit, they are more likely to get divorced, which is the opposite of them testing the waters. The commitment level is not the same as for people who get married. When you live together, you are not giving your 100% to the other person. When there is no title on the relationship; there isn’t a title in the roles. Others don’t treat you as husband and wife; this makes a chaotic relationship. No one sees it as permanent.

Roles within the family.

In the Proclamation to the World, it says, "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." In the world, many people are trying to do away with gender roles. It used to be that fathers were the main providers and that the mothers were the nurturers.

In class we were discussing the roles our families members play. In was pretty consistent that many parents can play both sides. Some fathers cook and clean more, while some moms provide and do the yard work. In my family, my dad is the planner, provider, protecter, and he presides over our family. My mom is an amazing woman who cleans, cooks, chauffeurs, and helps her children to know how to do those things. My parents are very good at doing things together, and in certain situations they can shift their roles.

Families are an important part of God's plan. We are to come to earth so we could return with eternal families. Not to return alone. Our best examples are our Heavenly parents.

Immigration.

On Friday, we were discussing families that immigrate to the United States. Many people in other countries want their children to get ahead, so they decide to come to the USA. This can be very hard on families for many reasons.

It is very expensive for families to migrate to another area. When families decide to move, one of the most common things that happens is the father goes first. This leaves the mom behind with the children and the support of relatives. This alone can be very frustrating. When there is enough money to move the rest of the family, it is hard to let the father 'rejoin' the family as head of the household.

Another problem can be the language. The children pick up on the second language at school and with friends, while the parents don't learn it as quickly. Often times, the parents will use the children as translators.

Something that can put a strain on these families that come to America is the shift within the home. In the homeland, the father was usually the sole provider. As they come to America, they end up working jobs that don't bring in a lot of money, causing the mom's to work too. This is hard because the whole family has to deal with coming home to a cold house, where the dinner isn't on the stove.

One teenage girl from Mexico said,

The United States . . . I think of it with many dollars but the people are sad. You have everything, but you don't have your family. It's not like in Mexico where you visit with your grandparents and your other relatives. In Mexico, you don't have money but you're much better because you're with your family. I know that my parents do this for our well-being, so we're here. But I think all the people in Mexico are happy because they are with their family. You see, here, it is mostly sadness. I feel like crying instead of feeling good. We used to always be with my family, that's who I miss.

Customs are different within all families. It would be very hard to move to America and to recreate your life in a different environment, but it can be rewarding. Family is always important to me. I agree with the young girl, I would rather be happy with my family than be sad and well-off.

Crossing the boundary.

Family: We are a whole family, but each person has a different relationship with each other.

This week in Family Relations, we were talking about boundaries. We compared relationship boundaries with backyards, and it made me think of my backyard in Oregon. At home we live next to a hill with a fence around our yard. We used to have a freezer in our backyard and sometimes when it would open, we would have a neighbor call and tell us that our freezer was open. It was nice for us to know that our freezer was open, but at the same time we didn't want them to look into our backyard. Over the years, my family has put up blinds around our patio and have planted a tree, to maintain a level of privacy.

Every person grows up in a different family. We also have different relationships within our family. As I think of the relationships that I have with some of my brothers, I can see how they vary between each other.

Although it is important to have good relationships with your children, I feel that you still need to have the strongest relationship with your spouse. You were married to your spouse before you had children and you will continue to be married and live with your spouse once your children leave the home. You are NOT married to your children.