Mixed up.

Many families in society are blended families. Children will have some step-parents and parents might have step-children. Either way, the blended family is different than the traditional family. When these challenges arise, everyone is shifting their boundaries and adding new people in their life. It is important that a step-parent act like the fantastic aunt or uncle. They may not be able to discipline their new step-child for a couple of years, but they need to back up their spouse. The couple needs to decide on the discipline behind closed doors and then the biological parent should be the one to enforce it. This will make the home a little bit smoother. Second marriages can be a challenge, but they can also be well rewarding.

What type of parent are you?

Parents have a huge affect on their children, whether they are controlling and what their children to do what they want, or if they are so laid back and want to be the child's 'friend' that they don't teach or punish them. The best way to be a parent is when you are firm, but fair.

The three styles of parenting are:

Authoritarian-

• Absolute set of standards
• Discourages verbal give and take (Don’t talk back)
• Do things the parent’s way or take the high way
• Often control through punishment, manipulation, or rewards.

The father in the Little Mermaid and the mother in Tangled can be seen as authoritarian.

Permissive-

• Gives children the greatest freedom
• Imposes fewer rules and penalties
• Makes few demands
• Avoids asserting authority or imposing restriction
• Allows children to regulate own behavior

The parents in Home Alone are examples of permissive parents because they don't demand Kevin to do anything.

Authoritative-

• Recognition of child’s and parents rights
• Parent will negotiate
• Parents believe the child deserves a say in matters that affect them
• Child has say in rules and penalty’s
• Parent looks at individual circumstances when making a decision

The parents in the Emperors New Groove are examples of Authoritative parents because they are firm but fair.

How parents treat their children affects them in the long run. Children who grow up in authoritative homes are less likely to be delinquent and are happier. To find out what kind of parent you are, go to: http://www.activeparenting.com/Parents-Parenting_Style_Quiz.

Thanksgiving

At the beginning of this week, I was researching information about fathers. Fathers are really important, and I feel sorry for anyone who grew up in a home without a father. When the father is in the home, kids do better in their school work, are less likely to become juvenile delinquents, and have better emotions.

Since Thanksgiving was also this week, I was able to go home to Oregon and spend time with my family. On Thursday night, we had a family counsel as to what we wanted to do for black friday. We each said what we would like to do and then my parents made the overall decision. I know that families are called of God, and when we have children within the bonds on matrimony we are blessed. When we map our families as the prophets have instructed, our trials will seem easier and we will be blessed for obeying.

Is it worth it?

In the last few minutes of our class today, we were told a story about a family that had a dual income, but ended up bringing in less money than they would have if the father had been the sole provider. You might ask, how can that happen?

My dad has always talked to me about this exact issue. When both parents are working, you are most likely to be pay for:

$ day care- this can get very expensive if you have lots of kids

$ a new wardrobe- if the wife starts work, she will need professional clothes
$ another car- you will need another form of transportation

$ food- because you will be busy and tired, you will be more likely to eat out or buy pre-made foods

$ cleaning- they might hire someone to help clean their house

This can be very expensive. I believe that it is valuable to have a stay-at-home mom. I loved coming home from schooling and talking to my mom. It was therapeutic for me to just talk about my day. If I had a problem at school, my mom was able to come over at the drop of a hat. I also think that teenagers need their mom's at home just as much as a six year old would.

Reactions.

Crisis are both dangerous and an opportunity. We have all been in a crisis, and if not, it will be coming your way soon. But how do we react when we are put in a crisis? Every one reacts differently, and it will then change our total outcome of the situation.

The five most common stressors that families will go through, are:

- Incarceration

- Adding a new family member (birth, adoption, marriage)

- Losing a job

- Illness/Death

- Infidelity

My little brother fainted at a cross country meet, not to long ago. He hadn't really eaten all day, nor did he have a lot of water. His body literally shut down, but my parents handled the situation very well. My parents first wanted to know that he would be okay, so while the paramedics were there, my dad was handling all of the financial things, while my mom was worrying about Jake. We were told that if he had been 'out' for a few more minutes he could have died. This was very devastating to hear.

Jacob is much better now, but at the time we could have blamed him for not eating and drinking water, or we could have put the blame on my mom for not making him a lunch. We could have blamed the other teammates for not telling the coach that he had thrown up bile before the race. We could have put the blame anywhere, but we didn't. Him fainting was a combination of things, and it wouldn't have gotten our family anywhere. We know that he is fine and that it was a freak accident.

How people reacts does effect the whole outcome to the situation. We should not judge others, or scapegoat. It is also not healthy to be in denial for a long period of time. The best way to get through a crisis is to: take responsibility, affirm worth of the family, balance self concern with others concern, reframing, and by using available resources. When families talk about things together, know that others are mourning, and spend time together-they will cope about the crisis in a more positive way. Crisis can be both an opportunity and a danger.

Think it through.

Emotions run high in women. Many people don't think they are having affairs, because they are not in a physical or sexual affair. There are actually four types of affairs. There are sexual affairs, romantic affairs, visual affairs-pornography, and fantasy affair. In an article by Scott Gardner and Christian Greiner, called INFIDELITY: PROTECTING OUR MARRIAGES it states, "It is important to point out that it does not take two people for infidelity to occur. Many times affairs are committed within the mind or heart of a married individual with no other participating party."

At church we were discussing chastity when someone said, "If you have to ask if it is too far, it is probably too far." It is important to teach your children the limits at young ages. Do not beat around the bush with them. Four years are aware of the differences between boys and girls. It is important to teach young children correct terminology and boundaries. Parents need to be active in their children's lives and aware of what they are learning.

The other day I deleted over three hundred friends from Facebook. The reason I did this was because I had many "friends" who I didn't really know, nor did I want to share certain things with them. It has become a problem for people to become connected with "lost loves" both intentionally and accidentally . . . with the same predictable results. A question that was asked on a slide show was, "Would I discuss these topics with this person if it were not so convenient?"

Dr. Laura told a story about fidelity,

"Not long ago, I took a call from a woman who was complaining about her ex-shack-up honey’s girlfriend, (the “homewrecker” as she called her). Here’s the gist of how that call went:

Me: Is this woman someone who took vows of fidelity to you?
Caller: NO
Me: Is this man someone who took vows of fidelity to you?
Caller: NO.
Me: Is this man someone you simply shacked up with without a commitment?
Caller: YES.
Me: Did you decide to create two children in this insecure situation?
Caller: YES
Me: And you’re mad at HER???

While these two situations seem unrelated, they most certainly are related. How? When a person makes foolish decisions and then complains about the most typical, logical and predictable outcome, that is a person totally out of touch with the reality of life. YOU make choices; YOU should be willing to take responsibility for those choices and stop looking and acting as if you are an innocent victim of life’s tidal waves."

Relationships are hard work. They take sacrifice and dedication, with loyalty, love, and intimacy. Teach your children the things that should be taught in the home. It is better for you to teach it to them, than have a child try to teach it the wrong way.

The Butterfly Circus

Marriage + Children

Marriage

Marriage is a constant work of progress, making your relationship with your spouse better. The goals and expectations you make within the first year of marriage will set the stage for the rest of your marriage. Establish traditions, eat meals at the table, and manage your time/schedule with your spouse. When you add children to the picture, you will already have these patterns down.

D&C 121:41-44

By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—no power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; that he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death.

Men and women have different ways of thinking, and when we get irritated with each other, we should contemplate these scriptures. What would happen if we only corrected our spouse when moved upon by the Spirit? Then our spouse would know that we were doing it out of love.

Adding children

When children are born, the family changes. Men start to feel unappreciated, because they don't get the same bonding that a mother and child give each other. People are 3 times more likely to get divorced after a miscarriage or a death of a child.

Women: You are married to your husband, not your children or your mother. Spend time with your spouse. Talk to him. If you have a problem, he is the person to call, not your mom. He takes priority over your children, too.

Men: Your wife loves you and wants you to be happy. You are not just the 'babysitter' but the father.

"Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children."

Love and live.

In the world, many people think that if they are in love, they should move in together to test the waters or just because it is convenient. But how do you know you are in love? Do you love your child, spouse, and friends all in the same way? It is so important for people to understand the four different types of love:

• Eros- romantic, sexual arousal
• Agape- "Christian" love, you don't know them but you love them
• Storge- Parent/child love
• Philia- friendship, brotherly love

It is so important that when you build the foundation for a relationship to build on all of the these types of love. Many people end relationships because the only have eros love.

When we are in love, shouldn't we move in together? There are four common reasons that people move in cohabit:

• Precursor to marriage- Testing the waters, will get married
• Co-residential daters- don’t like the single life, roommate
• Trial marriage- someday to get married, but to someone else
• Alternative to marriage- don’t want to be married

When people cohabit, they are more likely to get divorced, which is the opposite of them testing the waters. The commitment level is not the same as for people who get married. When you live together, you are not giving your 100% to the other person. When there is no title on the relationship; there isn’t a title in the roles. Others don’t treat you as husband and wife; this makes a chaotic relationship. No one sees it as permanent.

Roles within the family.

In the Proclamation to the World, it says, "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." In the world, many people are trying to do away with gender roles. It used to be that fathers were the main providers and that the mothers were the nurturers.

In class we were discussing the roles our families members play. In was pretty consistent that many parents can play both sides. Some fathers cook and clean more, while some moms provide and do the yard work. In my family, my dad is the planner, provider, protecter, and he presides over our family. My mom is an amazing woman who cleans, cooks, chauffeurs, and helps her children to know how to do those things. My parents are very good at doing things together, and in certain situations they can shift their roles.

Families are an important part of God's plan. We are to come to earth so we could return with eternal families. Not to return alone. Our best examples are our Heavenly parents.

Immigration.

On Friday, we were discussing families that immigrate to the United States. Many people in other countries want their children to get ahead, so they decide to come to the USA. This can be very hard on families for many reasons.

It is very expensive for families to migrate to another area. When families decide to move, one of the most common things that happens is the father goes first. This leaves the mom behind with the children and the support of relatives. This alone can be very frustrating. When there is enough money to move the rest of the family, it is hard to let the father 'rejoin' the family as head of the household.

Another problem can be the language. The children pick up on the second language at school and with friends, while the parents don't learn it as quickly. Often times, the parents will use the children as translators.

Something that can put a strain on these families that come to America is the shift within the home. In the homeland, the father was usually the sole provider. As they come to America, they end up working jobs that don't bring in a lot of money, causing the mom's to work too. This is hard because the whole family has to deal with coming home to a cold house, where the dinner isn't on the stove.

One teenage girl from Mexico said,

The United States . . . I think of it with many dollars but the people are sad. You have everything, but you don't have your family. It's not like in Mexico where you visit with your grandparents and your other relatives. In Mexico, you don't have money but you're much better because you're with your family. I know that my parents do this for our well-being, so we're here. But I think all the people in Mexico are happy because they are with their family. You see, here, it is mostly sadness. I feel like crying instead of feeling good. We used to always be with my family, that's who I miss.

Customs are different within all families. It would be very hard to move to America and to recreate your life in a different environment, but it can be rewarding. Family is always important to me. I agree with the young girl, I would rather be happy with my family than be sad and well-off.

Crossing the boundary.

Family: We are a whole family, but each person has a different relationship with each other.

This week in Family Relations, we were talking about boundaries. We compared relationship boundaries with backyards, and it made me think of my backyard in Oregon. At home we live next to a hill with a fence around our yard. We used to have a freezer in our backyard and sometimes when it would open, we would have a neighbor call and tell us that our freezer was open. It was nice for us to know that our freezer was open, but at the same time we didn't want them to look into our backyard. Over the years, my family has put up blinds around our patio and have planted a tree, to maintain a level of privacy.

Every person grows up in a different family. We also have different relationships within our family. As I think of the relationships that I have with some of my brothers, I can see how they vary between each other.

Although it is important to have good relationships with your children, I feel that you still need to have the strongest relationship with your spouse. You were married to your spouse before you had children and you will continue to be married and live with your spouse once your children leave the home. You are NOT married to your children.

Marriage.

My Grandparents have both been married over sixty years. They never lived with someone, they didn't get divorced, they were very active in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and they both raised wonderful children. Like most people, they weren't perfect but always worked out the low times. My grandparents are great examples to me of how I want my future marriage to turn out. It takes hard work, commitment, and communication.

Two of my brothers are getting married in December. They haven't dated their fiancees for three years and they haven't lived with them either. Many people wonder why they "jumping" into marriage, but we know we are supposed to get married.

My dad works with a lady who has been married for the third time in the last ten years. She wonders why my brothers are getting married, but then she cohabits with men. In Marriage and Family by Lauer, it says that:

If you are among the educated going into a first marriage, are at least in your mid-20s to marry, are strongly religious and marrying someone of the same faith, and haven't lived with many [or any] different partners before getting married, your chances of divorce go down dramatically.

My brothers are more likely to have successful marriages, than my dad's co-worker, because they have been obedient to the covenants they have made and have followed the guidelines, stated above. It is sad and hard on everyone when couples end their marriages in divorce, but if we learn from their mistakes, I believe it will end a lot of heartache.

Family Relations.

It's the start of a new school year and I am so excited. In one of my classes, Family Relations, I was asked to journal my thoughts on families and other things throughout the semester. So, lets start with my family:

I was raised in Eastern Oregon, by two loving parents. My dad is a circuit court judge and my mom is a homemaker. I have four brothers that protect me and tease me. My parents have always taught us to be hard workers. From the time I was little the five of us kids have had a paper route, mowed lawns, and have even worked in the same restaurant.

My mom and I would go to aerobics together and my dad always helps me with finances and applications. They work together as a team. I hope I can follow in their footsteps when I am married.

I hope that I will learn how families function, what their priorities should be, and what I can do in any situation regarding my own family.